I recently promised myself that I would start writing without fear, leaning into the weird.
But I'm also not really writing at the moment. I'm repelled by the very idea of typing, repulsed by the thought of sitting at my desk.
When I type on my laptop or phone or desktop, I feel like I am writing into the dissonant noise of the internet. I associate their screens with multiple tabs, information on blast. And, at least three email inboxes to check.
Because I am suddenly, happily, so busy. Two - no three - new teaching jobs, two book proposals in various states of completion/ revision, writing workshops, plus two children. A family. Friends.
And trying to remember to stay balanced, so I don’t repeat previous mistakes that send me into burnout.
So, each evening, when I begin to berate myself for being lazy and for not pushing through, I pause and search for the kindness.
I've been drafting bits and bobs using my Alphasmart Neo on some nights when tucked up in bed. The Neo doesn’t have the internet, there is no big bright screen and I can’t see what I’ve just written on the small liquid-crystal display. It lies flat on my lap like a tea tray, the same weight as a small cat. There, but unobtrusive.
Why push through when body and mind are clearly telling me something? Why not listen to them when they say you are busy and tired and juggling a lot? Why collapse on the sofa watching Friends or reading that book or browsing Vinted? Whatever this aversion to writing is right now, I think it must be protective.
It’s only when I finished writing this that I realised it is the Autumn Equinox, a time of gathering and taking stock of our resources before we move into the leaner winter months.
The perfect balance of day and night also asks us to think about balance in our lives, to be thankful for our efforts that have now borne fruit.
The ideas and sentences are still coming. I know *what* I want to write, but I somehow can’t find it in me to commit them to the page. But instead of guilt, I’m letting those words circle me without trying to catch them, trying to trust that they’ll land when the time is right.
All that said, I do have some interviews on Creative Shifts to upload very soon. And the Thread and Thought workshops are a highlight in my month.
So, stick with me. I’ll have more to share soon, I promise. x
This was beautifully expressed. x